I started doing the craziest thing recently.
I don’t remember how it began exactly. I think it was a passing lark. I was super baked, doing housework, and I caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror. Went in, flipped on the light, looked a little closer.
Then, I made eye contact, and I saw myself in the mirror.
Let me be clear: I did not see my reflection.
I saw myself.
I saw myself.
I don't shy from my reflection, but I guess I’ve never had the guts to quite look myself in the eye before because something shattered just then.
Something about the light falling over me, the cool dark of the hall behind, the whirring thrum of the fan, how fucking stoned I was——it put me in a kind of trance, and I couldn’t look away.
It was like watching reality desilver.
If I wanted to be dramatic or needlessly metaphorical (I often do), I’d say that I had traded places with my reflection.
That I had gone into the flickering thin image of myself and stood in glass beholding the totality of my real, complete person.
More candidly? I think I am that shallow flicker most of the time.
Not in a bad way necessarily——the flicker does a good job keeping all their plates spinning——but I think for much of my life I have been a stranger to myself. All of a sudden we were united, and it was intense.
I passed the next hour laughing, crying, singing, improvising poetic couplets into the mirror. Sometimes we just stood, staring into "each other"s eye, focusing on the sensation of being alive. On the knowledge that we were going to die.
I found that I loved the person I saw in there, and in loving them I could call them out on their bullshit without being cruel. I found I could talk to them. I could beg, plead, criticize, admire, tease!
I’ve done this several times now and have never gotten through the conversation without openly weeping for long prolonged stretches.
I’ve also never gotten through a conversation without laughing hysterically. Without complimenting myself. Without talking about how much I love my friends, how much we love Denis!
Sometimes I feel like I might actually be going insane and that does worry me a little. The feeling is so intense it borders on the divine;
I’m intellectually aware that my reflection is not a real person, but something in the eye contact makes it real. Makes it "me".
Something about it makes me real.
Anyway I did this on Friday and was Too High and completely greened out and had a panic attack. Soooo maybe next time we'll reign it in a bit haha.
Even with the panic attack, though, it was still the best, most cathartic part of my week. Feels like cleaning house psychically!
